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The Quiet Life Collaboration
05 July 2008 @ 11:41 pm
i have emancipated myself.
as of today, i am a free woman.

i finally told colleen how abusive and emotionally draining she was for me. i feel so light and happy. well, not really happy nor light, but internally i can feel myself taking that proverbial step forward in the right direction.

i worry about colleen's feelings and opinions of me constantly, but she doesn't deserve my compassion. not at this time. maybe, not anymore. but certainly not at this point in my life.

she had me feeling so trapped. i would feel obligated to stay at her apartment for days and weeks on end. my friends would worry. my mom would worry. i would worry. it was like being trapped in neverland. i was so out of touch with reality in that little bubble in clear lake. i didn't think about my bills or my responsibilities or my obligations. nothing. just sitting and wallowing in self-pity. i was hoping that we could be in a relationship again. it never happened. it didn't stop me from staying though.

we would fight. we would argue. we would bicker. nitpick. nag. fuss. gripe. then she would make me cry. i hated how she could always make me cry. then she would say something like "let me hold you." she would force me to embrace her. she would soothe me, run me a bath, cuddle me, kiss my head, make me laugh. then she would degrade me. objectify me. humiliate me. mock me. if i called her out on it, she would start to beat herself up verbally, saying she fucked up, that she was dumb, that she was poison. i felt like she was guilt tripping me into consoling her. i wanted to tell her how much of an ogre she really was. i wanted to side with her and say "yeah, you did fuck up," or "you're not dumb; you're just stupid." but, i would comfort her. it would hurt me inside. then we would fight.

it got worse after she slept with matt.
i felt like i was a place-holder relationship. like i was something to do in the meantime, in between "matt-time."
i tried to force my way back into her heart, but it was already occupied. no vacancy.

i tried leaving her three times. three times i failed. i ended up driving to see her. or calling her. or texting her. or emailing her. i couldn't stay away. i felt like a battered wife. i kept going back because i knew she would take me back.i was too weak to learn to be self-reliant.

she told me that if she were in rhode island, she would date matt. she said that if matt were in houston she wouldn't date either one of us because it would be too painful (blatant lie). then, i asked why we couldn't date seeing as matt is in rhode island and has no intention to move to houston. she just said she couldn't. i think that spoke volumes for what she thought of me. it hurt me more than anyone has hurt me in a very, very long time. she told me i was her dream girl.

so, i cried.
i packed my things. i told my mom i was moving back home. i squared away things at my apartment. i quit my job. i loaded my car. and i moved away.

one morning, after staying with colleen, she comes to share some sad news with me. matt has found a girl to date in rhode island. he doesn't want to be physical with colleen anymore and said he still wants to be friends. she said she felt used and sad. she felt very upset because she loves him and now he only wants friendship when she wants more. i felt a sense of justice. karma really came through for me. i told her that i had been through what she is going through: i was with madalyn. i started having feelings for colleen. i ruined my relationship with madalyn for a chance with colleen. colleen decided she wanted to date claire instead. now, colleen is feeling what i felt all those years ago when she first broke my heart. i think it is justly deserved.

i tried to make colleen take me back 1 more time after i officially "quit" her. once i was at her apartment, i immediately regreted it. i ended up staying at her place for 6 days, pretending i was happy. on the 4th day i told her i never wanted to see her again. on the 5th day, it rained so unmercifully i literally couldn't drive away. she tried to console me. lure me back in. we bought icecream. we cuddled on the couch and she kissed me passionately. she told me i was juno and she was bleeker. she made me feel special.

on the 6th day i woke up early, and i left her standing in the kitchen with tears in her eyes.

emily called me as i was driving down i-45 to my mother's. she said colleen texted her saying she wanted to kill herself.
i turned around.
i drove back to colleen's apartment.
i. was. livid.
i was so mad at her for wanting to kill herself. she wasn't allowed to take the coward's way out of this situation. she got herself into a jam and she has to get herself out! i stayed with her for a few hours, but i knew i would get sucked into her cesspool of despair and depression. i told emily i had some things to do. emily came over to stay with colleen; i left.

i didn't want to cry, but i did. not because i didn't want to leave colleen, but because colleen ruined me and i was stuck to fix myself while she sat around feeling sorry for herself.

so i cut off all my hair.
new hair
very brittney spears inspired.

i was feeling weak and lonely without colleen sucking all the energy out of me. so we started texting. i started feeling lively and happy. i started having hope. she was being sweet. complimenting me. using happy little smilie faces. i felt so hopeful. i planned on not seeing colleen for a long long time, but i figured i'll give her (yet) another chance.

i asked her to come to church with me on next sunday. she said she would be in lousiana. matt is having a show in lousiana next weekend.

at that moment, at that very moment, i knew she was no longer worth my time.
Moodiness:: accomplishedaccomplished
The Quiet Life Collaboration
19 June 2008 @ 04:31 pm
I'm having such a cunty day.

Oh. My. God.
What the hell is going on?
Why does this ludicrous bullshit keep happening? Why can't I just have a plot like everyone else?
Moodiness:: apatheticapathetic
The Quiet Life Collaboration
17 June 2008 @ 09:11 pm
I seem to have fucked up my life again. I can't seem to find happiness and when I do I somehow screw it up for everyone involved.

Colleen and I aren't together anymore.

I really miss her, but I can't shake this feeling that she and I just aren't compatible at this point in our lives. I haven't ruled out the "forever" option, and I do hope to be with her again in the future, ya know? But I'm just too fucked up emotionally from what she's going through.

How can someone else's crisis completely fuck up my life? Hell if I know. I've been trying to figure that one out since February.

What I can't figure out is how/why she thought this would be okay. I'm sure everyone gets feeling for some other people when they are in relationships, but normally that's kind of pushed aside, right?

She told me, "But I'm the only person he's cared about in a really long time!" So? What the fuck does that have to do with us? I've wanted to be with her since I met her and I waited patiently for my chance to be with Colleen. This guy bumbles around and woos her and magically all the time I spent securing a relationship with her is undone. It's unfair. Life is unfair.

Matt is a homewrecker. He knew she was in a relationship, yet he persisted and eventually got his way. I don't think highly of people like that. Not that I'm saying Colleen is completely without fault because somewhere in the back of her mind, I should have been there. She went on that trip Valentines' weekend knowing she was going to cheat. She knew it. He knew it. Fuck the Jack 'n Coke and all the other bullshit excuses she gives me. She cheated on me and that's unacceptable.


I can't believe I've cried so much over her. She just sits there, stoic and unfeeling. I know she is hurting, but goddamnit let me see your pain! I feel like I'm the only one truly hurt by this situation. Matt (win-win) either gets the girl he's been trying so hard to be with or he ends up nailing some dyke from Houston. Everyone loves hot, summer flings. Colleen (win-lose) either ends up with her dream guy or a sweet girl. Yeah, she will miss the other, but at least she has someone to care for and love her in return. I, on the other hand, (lose-lose) either end up with the most unhappy, dissatisfied girlfriend or I end up lonely and heartbroken.

Why was I dealt such ugly cards?

I want her to miss me and I want her to need me. It is so painful watching her miss Matt. I fucking hate him. I  hate how he stole my girlfriend away from me. I hate how she cries for him. I hate how much she rants and raves about him. I hate how much she takes me for granted when I'm around. I hate when she gets drunk and listens to The Genna Campaign. I hate how she texts him all night on HATCH Prom when she was supposed to be with me. I hate how she will do all these feminine things, like wear make-up and wax her legs (and pussy, too) and buy sexy underwear for him, but she won't dress up or fix herself up for me. I hate how he is in her Fav. 5. I hate that she favorites all his YouTube videos, but won't even comment on mine. I hate how she loves him more than me. I hate Matt. I hate myself for not being Matt.

I want to find someone who deserves my heart. I seem to never be enough for any of the girls I date. Why am I doomed to be lonely and loveless?

I fucking love you, Colleen.
Moodiness:: sicksick
Groove Music:: Owl City - The Saltwater Room
The Quiet Life Collaboration
02 May 2008 @ 05:42 pm
Moodiness:: discontentdiscontent
The Quiet Life Collaboration
02 May 2008 @ 05:23 pm
these were all written on the same day. they have a similar theme, but nothing comparative to them at all. enjoy?

let's take a ride in my car, i promise that we won't go far. take my hand and i'll lead us into the dark.

cigarette tu brute? maybe i'm taking this too literally, but didn't you say you loved me? maybe it's all in my head; maybe i'm lost, confused, and turned around. forgive me if i take notes on how to break a heart; i might need them for future reference.

your room is so empty and filled with the loneliness that waxes and wanes like a moon with no tide. a hollowing darkness inside of your brain where all of your conceit and double-standards began. prove me wrong. say everything i know is a lie. prove me wrong. tell me to my face that your heart belongs to only me. yet, you can't. you're honest abe; and i'm just a cherry tree you couldn't chop down.

driving down your freeway, skipping all the exits and detours, i choose to tag along for the journey, maybe get some ass along the way. but, i fell for you and all the stupid things you do like tell me i'm right when i'm obviously wrong. you flatter all my concieted little fantasies of picket fences and mortgages, drawn out on the cork-board of my inverse reality. peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, i'd eat porridge every day if you were there to contrast the monotony of being broke and lonely. not a penny in the bank, i invested all in you. then you bankrupt me, took the spoils, and moved your heart to boston. now i'm alone in texas. i'm alone in fucking texas.
Moodiness:: crushedcrushed